What I Was Really Searching For

Years ago, I read a book that changed my life. The book talked about how, at your core, you are a souled being that created all the challenges and experiences in your life in order for your soul to grow and evolve.

This felt inherently true. It felt like realizing something I already knew, but had just forgotten: that I wasn’t just this human experiencing random, unlucky trials and tribulations. I was a soul, a soul that was experiencing what I was for a reason. I wasn’t conscious of the reason at the time but it changed how I looked at the world and my own life forever.

After finding that book, the word freedom kept coming into my life. I was always thinking about freedom, feeling into the word and desiring it more than anything else in my life. I didn’t even know what freedom meant to me or what it actually was. I knew it didn’t mean freedom from my job, although that was part of it. It was something deeper. I wanted total and complete freedom. I set out in search of this freedom, without knowing what it meant or how to get it, just blindly following this heart-felt desire.

The years after choosing freedom for myself were torturous. The physical and emotional pain I was in before quadrupled in intensity. There were times when I thought that freedom meant death, as in, freedom from the physical body. The discomfort in my body was so great that I thought maybe I should leave it. But I realized that wasn’t it either. This freedom couldn’t be found in death. Yes, I would be free of my body, but that wasn’t the freedom I was searching for. At the same time, I still didn’t know what freedom really meant.

I sometimes thought freedom meant having financial freedom. I explored the idea that maybe the freedom I was looking for had to do with always having plenty of money, the freedom to do whatever you want, whenever you want. That did feel good, and that was part of the freedom I wanted, but it wasn’t the core. That wasn’t the deep desire that kept pushing me forward, searching for the answer.

I also thought freedom meant being cured of all my physical symptoms. I thought that freedom meant healing, being a perfect human. I pursued this idea for a long time. I tried to heal myself for many years. I tried almost every therapy, diet, and technique you could think of in order to heal my body. Nothing ever worked, but not for my lack of trying. I spent thousands of my own dollars and even money I didn’t have in the pursuit of healing. I travelled all over the country to find healing. I could never find the cure I was looking for, but I kept trying.

One day, I gave up trying to heal myself. I was just over it. I couldn’t do it anymore. I decided to accept myself just as I was. I didn’t have anything to lose. Trying to heal myself wasn’t working. So I stopped.

It was that very day that I finally realized what freedom was, the freedom I had been desiring with all my heart.

Freedom is being “free” of a limited perception of yourself. It’s releasing yourself from the perception that you are just your human body and mind. Freedom is the awareness of yourself as consciousness, as a souled being.

When I felt like I wasn’t free, when I felt stuck and trapped, I was really feeling trapped in the reality that I was just a human. I could feel inside me that there was so much more but I didn’t know how to get there. The lack of freedom was me missing the awareness of who I really was, pure consciousness, the awareness of myself as a soul.

I realized that there is a HUGE difference between knowing in your mind that you are consciousness, a soul, and being aware of it as your reality. That was the freedom I was desiring.

Now that I am free, I am aware of myself as a human, with thoughts, emotions and a body but now I am also aware of that eternal part of myself. I am aware that at my core, I am consciousness and I will never not be. I will never die or not exist. I may leave my physical body but “I” will always be there. I am a creator being and I will never not be. We all are, we just forget temporarily in order to further grow and evolve as a soul.

If you feel that call to freedom, know that it is your soul calling you back home. Your soul is ready for you to realize who you really are, for you to be aware of your true nature. It won’t settle for anything less and I know you won’t either.

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