I wrote this post in the midst of a challenging few days. I was going to publish it on my private Patreon page but I decided to share it here. It’s also on my Facebook page. I’ve been inspired by a few others I’ve seen on Facebook who are sharing their 100% authentic selves in the moment. I’m giving it a shot myself today!
I originally wrote a post about my last few days coming from a place of “This challenging moment in my life is done. I’ll share here what I learned from it and I’m moving on.”
But I woke up this morning, or more accurately, the middle of the night and realized I was still in the thick of it. The waves of painful, challenging emotions were still coming on strong. I’m in no way out of the woods here.
The point of me sharing this is that I want to be real here. I don’t want to come across to anyone as the “teacher” who has all the answers and feels good all the time.
No way, I’m just like you. I’m tired of that dynamic – where spiritual teachers and leaders never talk about their own lives and challenges. We’re all the student AND the teacher. We all have things to learn and things to teach. We’re never just one thing.
And what I want to create here (Patreon page) is a place where you all feel you can be open and vulnerable in your successes AND challenges. Let’s really love all of ourselves here, even the parts of us that are hurting or in pain.
So I’m starting with me. I’m being completely open and transparent today. Because what ALWAYS provides the most healing for me is to know I’m not alone in my experience. Especially in the spiritual community where many teachers tend to gloss over their challenges (or don’t talk about them at all) and focus on the positive.
It’s hard for me to listen to that stuff sometimes. It makes me feel even more isolated and alone than I’m already feeling. When I hear those messages, they seem to say, “You’re doing something wrong if you’re feeling bad. You should always be happy.” And this is never the case.
I don’t want to focus on the darkness and stay there forever, but part of my message is that darkness is ok. Feeling bad for a time is ok. You are not doing something wrong to be experiencing negative emotions.
I want to collectively give everyone permission to fully experience ALL parts of themselves, including the darkness, and let go of the guilt and shame for doing so. Because any negative emotions you experience are further exaggerated when you lay guilt on top of them, when you are judging yourself for feeling the way you do.
Let’s let go of that guilt starting…NOW!
So while there’s many, many teachers out there that will teach you how to feel good all the time (as impossible as that is), I’ll share my message really clearly:
You’re never doing anything wrong, spiritually or otherwise, if you are feeling negative emotions.
On the contrary, you are opening up to them SO THAT you can bring these parts back home to you for transformation. To love them. You do not become more whole and integrated by ignoring them and pretending they aren’t there.
It’s high time we allow ALL parts of ourselves as equal and valid. Because ultimately, light and dark are simply different energies from the one source, and that source is love. Darkness is love too. It’s all you. It’s all creation. It’s all valid.
So while I’ve shifted HUGE things for myself this weekend, like things that are actually blowing my mind they feel so completely “healed” and “done,” I’m also experiencing deep pain, hopelessness, loneliness, and fear. It comes and goes but is very challenging to sit with. Nonetheless, I’m doing it.
I feel like there’s no way I can resist feeling these things. I can’t “shift” my way out of it, I can’t use any tricks or tools I’ve learned along the way to change what I’m experiencing. I feel I have to completely surrender to it and let it flow through me, bringing me to wherever I’m headed next.
I can’t see what’s on the other side of this or where I’m headed while I’m currently in the midst of this. There’s too many clouds in the way. It feels pretty hopeless. But I’ve been doing this long enough now to know that whatever is on the other side of this, it’s always good. It’s always more. And usually, it’s more than I ever could have imagined for myself.
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