This is from a post I published on my Patreon page back in the summer of last year. I wanted to share it with you here today on my blog, as self-love is what I’m talking about a lot these days. It is the key to awakening.
Today I want to time travel with you a bit. I’m taking you back in time to my life in 2014:
Day after day is basically the same: wake up, eat breakfast, sit on the couch. Eat lunch, hide from the world, eat dinner, watch TV. Go to bed. Sometimes I go for a walk, sometimes I take a nap. I feel miserable because of all the physical symptoms I have. It’s a never ending torture chamber that I can’t escape from.
I sit on my couch and fight with myself. It’s an awful fight. There is so much blame I put on myself, so much self-hatred, such a feeling of doing something wrong. I am trying so hard to figure out why I’m sick. I’m trying so hard to heal myself and make myself better. I am obsessed. Underneath all of this is me blaming myself. I believe I’m doing something wrong.
I was in such a place of self-hatred that the word self-love couldn’t have reached me. I couldn’t hear it, let alone fathom what it actually meant.
I’m sharing this with you not so you can pity me, feel sorry for me, or even to show you how much I’ve endured. I’m no martyr.
I’m sharing this so you know that I’ve been there. I’ve been to the bottom, the depths of darkness where there was almost no light to be seen, no awareness of love. Not just once in my life. Many times.
I also share this because I’ve seen many people talk about self-love from a place of “up high,” a self love that’s not very grounded. Like “everything is love and light and all we have to do is stay up here in the light and everything will be fine.”
I could never relate to that. It actually physically turned me off.
That’s not what’s going on here. This will not be that kind of a “self-love” place.
We’re not going to shy away from the darkness here. We’re going to embrace it and transform it. We’re going to do “real” light-work.
But I digress…
The main point of sharing this with you today is so that you know that it can be done. You CAN go from a place of almost complete self-hatred to complete self-love.
If you’re in a place where self-hatred is predominant in your world, know that you’re not alone. Many of us have been there too. And there is a way out. I promise you this. You will not remain there forever.
Here’s what I could do that helped me through that period. I practiced acceptance.
If there was anything in my life that I didn’t like, that I hated, that I wanted to change, I asked myself…can I let this be ok? Can I accept that this situation/person/emotion is in my life right now?
I may not like it or want it to continue forever, but can I accept that it’s here now? Can I let it be ok?
The answer was always yes. And as soon as I asked myself that question, all resistance and struggling would stop, even if it was just for the moment.
And what a relief that moment was…
Acceptance is the precursor to love. If you’re having any difficulty at all with loving and validating any part of yourself or your life, try acceptance first.
You can make that shift in resistance to acceptance in the blink of an eye. There’s no process you have to go through or steps to take. Just decide right now: I accept this. It’s ok that it’s there. I’m not doing anything wrong.