My Love Affair With Klonopin

I know spiritual people aren’t supposed to take drugs, let alone talk about them in a blog post.

We are supposed to have clean, pure bodies – ingesting only the most organic of foods, the most natural of supplements and using products of only the highest vibration on our bodies.

However, there’s a huge different between being spiritual and having a genuine spiritual awakening.

It’s not even close.

A genuine spiritual awakening is a very physical process. Most often, you experience uncomfortable symptoms in your body. It’s also a very emotional experience. You become aware of emotions and aspects of yourself from earlier in your life and from many other lifetimes your soul has had.

It’s not for the faint of heart. I wouldn’t have gotten through it without the help of this wonderful drug.

I know, I know. All the teachers and gurus out there recommend getting off all drugs in order to have a real spiritual transformation.

But there comes a point in this awakening process when you have to listen to yourself. Your teachers can only take you so far. You have to become your own guru and listen to the voice of your own soul as the lone voice for what’s best for you.

For me, that voice came through listening to my feelings and how my body felt when thinking about something. When debating whether or not to take a drug or make any decision for that matter, I would sit quietly and think about the choices I had facing me. For example, to take Klonopin or not today. Sometimes, the answer would be no. I would feel my body get stiff and heavy accompanied by a tightness centered in my belly button area, or my solar plexus. Sometimes the answer would be yes. I would feel light and free in my body. There would also be a feeling of joy. That was how I knew what was right for me in the moment and what wasn’t.

Let me clarify here, I’m not talking about anti-depressants or SSRIs. I’ve also been on those for a few years. I talk about my experience with them here. Intuitively, I knew those were not good for me long-term. I knew when it was time to taper myself off them, and I did so relatively easily. They were necessary for me at different points in my life. Klonopin, a benzodiazepine, acts in a completely different way.

If I’m being honest, I should actually call it a love/hate relationship with this drug. It was always a dance between what I “should” do and what felt right for me.

I first met Klonopin at age 18. I was experiencing dizziness for the second time in my life and the doctors had no answers for me. What they could give me was this benzodiazepine to help calm my nerves because of how scared and uncomfortable I felt.

My family was very anti-drugs. My father was born in the rural mountains of Italy, brining with him their philosophy of healing – the only medicine you need is rest and some homemade soup. My mother was the same. So when the doctor prescribed this drug with the warning to only take it when absolutely necessary, my parents got it. The drug that came with a “controlled substance” label was cautiously doled out to me only when I was in a really bad state, physically and mentally. That one bottle probably lasted me six months.

To my parents, it was considered a weakness to take these drugs. It was better and nobler to suffer through your pain and discomfort than “give in” and take something to help relieve it. This was definitely a good thing when I was younger. It probably saved me from the potential of getting addicted to these substances. However, it also gave me a complex about taking them to help get me through some really difficult times. I judged myself harshly whenever I “gave in” and took the drugs.

This is the mentality I took into my adulthood when I again needed something to get me through the physical and emotional pain. On and off for about six years, I relied on this drug. Sometimes I took it on a daily basis, sometimes only once in a while. But the judgment was always there. If I wasn’t feeling it from myself and the voices of my parents I heard in my head, it was from the new age gurus I read telling me how bad drugs were.

Yet I couldn’t deny that when I took Klonopin from a place of desperation – when nothing else was working to calm myself down – it helped tremendously. It took me out of my mind, got me back into my body and reminded me that there were good parts to life. It relaxed and dulled my symptoms to a place where I could live again, if only for a few short hours that the drug was in my system. It gave me a way to have just the slightest illusion of control in a place where every other sense of control I had over my life was being brutally wrenched away. It literally saved my sanity.

I even got the idea one time while on Klonopin to start a memoir. That memoir I started back then was the basis for the one I’m writing now.

I remember the time when I let go of a lot of my judgment around taking the drug. I was telling the healer I was working with at the time about how I wanted to take the drug but I felt so guilty when I did. I was so hard on myself. She listened to my shame spiral and then said this:

“Lindsay, it doesn’t have to be so hard.”

Right there, she gave me permission to let myself take it when I needed to, to let myself off the hook for being a “good” spiritual person and to do what felt right for me.

And so, spiritual pioneers, I give you permission to listen to yourself. Throw away all the teachers and the gurus advice about what you should and shouldn’t do. You know what’s best for you. Ultimately, if you are one hundred percent dedicated to freedom and awakening, no drug is going to stop you from getting there. As long as you listen to yourself, your soul, you will be exactly where you need to be, doing exactly what you need to be doing. Trust yourself.

Comments 4

  1. Interesting topic, Lindsey! I’ve taken care of my body my whole life: regular exercise, healthy food and some nutritional supplements. I have always done this with the true intention of honouring my body. At the same time I have always enjoyed good food, nice meals, a glass of wine, a piece of home-made apple pie every now and then. So when Adamus started urging us to throw away supplements I didn’t feel like doing so. I still take them, but a slight feeling of ‘I shouldn’t’ has crept in, which is stupid, because it’s me who decides.

  2. Yes, exactly. Only you know if and when you need to stop doing anything you’re doing. He was probably actually referring to people like me who were OBSESSED with healing and taking tons of supplements to no avail. I did stop taking all my supplements last year but only because it felt right for me. I definitely needed to drop them because my obsession with healing myself was not good for me and was counterproductive. I was clinging to them as my only hope. This doesn’t sound like the case for you at all.

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