Certain scenes from my childhood have been playing in my head lately. They are from different ages but they are all variations on a theme: I am inviting someone over to my house for the first time.
My parent’s house is big and it sits on a large amount of land. We have a pool, four bedrooms, 2 fireplaces and a study. Inevitably, when the person sees where I live for the first time, I feel something shift inside them. Their perception of me changes.
I am suddenly not who they thought I was. I am now “the other, the enemy.” They see me differently from then on. I can feel it. I even sometimes get teased and called a “rich kid.” This both angers and saddens me.
Why can’t they see the real me? Why can’t they see that this house is not a reflection of who I really am? I want to be just like them. I don’t want to have as nice a house or as nice clothes as I do. I don’t want to stick out.
I want to be able to relate to them, to look them in the eyes and say, “see, I am just like you.” I want to take their lack and struggle and take it on myself. The only way I can conceive of doing this at the time is to have less. This doesn’t actually happen in my life but this is what I think I want.
Knowing now that I am a creator of everything in my life and reflecting on those experiences, I wondered, what was that about?
I felt into the perspective of the other person whose judgments I could feel and realized today that it was about me. It was a reflection back to me of my own judgments of having abundance and a comfortable life. I was working through these issues way back then!
I realized on an even deeper level why these experiences were on my mind lately. They brought up some questions:
Can I allow myself to receive abundance like a child, like the child that I was back then?
Can I allow myself to receive a nice, new house, a good car, nice clothes and even a swimming pool without guilt, shame, or resistance?
Can I allow those things to flow into my life just because I exist, no other reason?
Can I leave behind the beliefs that I need to be worthy of something, that I need to work very hard to receive or that receiving abundance makes me spoiled or a bad person?
I realized that yes, I can, and that’s what I’ve been doing.
Those memories from childhood were playing in my head for a reason. They were very painful as a young girl and I could feel that there was something important there, some stuck energy.
Young Lindsay didn’t realize the great experience she had created for herself; a stable family with good jobs, good income, and a comfortable lifestyle. This allowed her basic needs to be taken care of so she could focus on the transformational experience she was having.
I chose today to let those judgments of myself go. I can receive abundance like a child, just because I exist. I don’t have to work for it, I don’t have to be worthy of it and I don’t need to feel shame and guilt for having more than others.
I am leaving those energies behind.