I had a really cool experience today.
Lately, I like feeling my body. I don’t mean in a sexual way (but that’s nice too). I either sit quietly or lie down and I put my consciousness in my body. Another way to say this is I let myself feel that I have a body. I love doing this.
I spent so long actively avoiding feeling my body due to the immense discomfort I was in that letting myself feel my body feels amazing. It feels so good to finally let myself be in my body. I am so much more grounded and relaxed compared to the days of trying not to feel it.
To give some background – I have a physical imbalance where I constantly feel like I’m in motion. It’s a weird dizziness sensation that’s always there. I’ve had this off and on throughout different periods of my life. This symptom drove me crazy for years and I suffered tremendously.
So I was sitting in a chair today, feeling my body and the dizziness. I was in compassion and acceptance of it, placing my awareness where I felt like it in different areas of my body. I was feeling really good.
Suddenly, something about the dizziness opened up. Something about it shifted. For a few moments, I was inside of what the dizziness was representing. It was fear.
I felt that intense, awful fear for a few seconds and then something about it shifted again. The fear melted away and was replaced by a warm, loving acceptance that washed over my whole body. I actually thought the dizziness was completely gone for a minute. It wasn’t, but I realized that a layer of it had left.
I then realized that the dizziness is many layers of fear that are held in my body. I don’t know whose they are or where they came from but they are there. I realized that I’ve been slowly releasing them in this manner for a while now but this was the first time I was so consciously aware of the process.
I sat there for a while longer and something else became clear to me. For many years I was so hard on myself about that physical symptom, the dizziness. I could feel that fear was a huge component of it and I thought I was sick because I was doing something wrong. I thought that I was afraid to feel whatever the dizziness represented and that was why it was still there.
Today I realized this is not the case at all. Me, my soul, is not afraid to feel fear. I have been bravely allowing it to be there and feeling all those fearful parts of me, these layers of fear held in my body. If I were really afraid of feeling these fearful aspects of myself, I wouldn’t be feeling them. I realized that I haven’t been doing something wrong – I’ve been courageously opening up to all this fear and letting it be there. I am feeling it and in my acceptance and compassion of it, it comes back home to me, transformed into love. It’s amazing.
The incredible thing is that I, human me, wasn’t doing anything to make this happen. It always happens when I’m distracted or doing something else. I can’t make these shifts consciously happen. I can only allow them to occur when they are ready to shift. I can be aware that’s it happening or not, it doesn’t matter.
I then flashed back to a scene from my past. It’s an image of me sitting on my couch three years ago trying to meditate. I’m trying to get inside the dizziness, to see what’s underneath it so I can heal it and fix it. I’m trying to figure it out. I’m forcing it. I’m trying to be in compassion of the dizziness but I’m not. I’m trying so hard to make it go away. I get frustrated because it’s not working and then I feel like a failure. I feel even more intensely that I’m doing something wrong and the cycle continues.
What I’m doing now is so much easier. I’m not even doing it. I’ve finally let myself off the hook for trying to heal myself, the human part of me that is. I’m done trying to figure it out. I know I really can’t anyway. What I can do is live my life and do what I want to do. Sometimes I still can’t believe I worked so hard at healing for so long. I had no idea it was this easy. I had no idea I didn’t have to figure it out. I had no idea I could just sit back and allow it to happen.
I still hear those voices in my mind every now and again that tell me I should be trying to figure this thing out, the dizziness, but I ignore them. The temptation to figure out how that happened to me today and to make it happen again is there. Those voices also tell me that I have to be the one to do it, the human part of me has to figure out how to heal myself with my mind. I now let those voices be there. I know that they too will come home when they are ready to, in my acceptance of them.
I’ll keep feeling and being aware of my body, not because I have to or because someone told me to, but because it just feels so good to do it. No more healing, just living, doing what I feel like doing in each moment. For me, that’s what’s bringing the true healing that I was searching for all along.