I Choose To LIVE

Four years ago I left my job. I had a profound spiritual awakening and I couldn’t stay. I couldn’t keep working.

Why?

Because I realized it was killing me.

I had been sick for the previous four years with what I believed was Lyme Disease. I had also been medicating myself with antidepressants to shut down the voice inside me that said something wasn’t right with my life. I was fully immersed in the American dream – career, mortgage, car, vacations. I was doing what society told me would bring me happiness. This voice knew that the way I was living was not for me but I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to listen to myself.

See, I had heard this voice before. It came in the dread I experienced waking up each morning in graduate school, the sadness that this was now my life and the knowingness that my chosen career was not right for me. This was the path, the way everyone said life had to be. I assumed something was wrong with me. I thought I shouldn’t be having these feelings. So because I ignored them, the voice showed up in unexplained anxiety right before my graduation.

I say “unexplained” because I didn’t know then what I know now. The anxiety was there because I wasn’t listening to myself. I knew my career or even having a job wasn’t right for me but I ignored that. Everyone said that this was how life was. You had to get a job to survive.

So, I did what society said was the good and right thing to do when you get anxiety: you take medication. I medicated that anxiety away until it showed up as an illness.

My body began to break down as I continued to work in my career. The medication made it seem like everything was ok. Maybe this job isn’t so bad. Maybe this really is the way life is. Maybe I really can do it this way like everybody else.

It started with a dizziness returning that I had experienced earlier in my life. It quickly escalated to a full-on body meltdown with heart palpitations, tremors, fatigue and a myriad of other terrifying symptoms. This I couldn’t ignore. My body was telling me loud and clear that something was not right in my life.

But guess what? I was REALLY stubborn, strong-willed and determined. Even that amount of body breakdown was not enough to stop me from working. I prided myself on my strength and determination to get through anything. Who was I if I was not the “hard-worker” I identified myself as. Who would I be then? Everyone admired that about me. Society puts those people on a pedestal. Who would love me if I just quit?

I took a month off and then gradually re-entered my career, pushed along by a new antidepressant. But this time the voice couldn’t be medicated away completely. Now I could see that I was merely surviving, not living. I was fully immersed in a self-imposed prison of “the way life is.” The part of me that knew there was another way to live was getting stronger and stronger each day until that spiritual awakening four years ago confirmed what I knew was true all along.

I then quit my job and moved across the country to rest and spend time alone. I had to get away from the world to get in touch with myself again. I began listening to that voice inside me that I had ignored for so many years. But I still wasn’t really living. I was in a metaphorical cave. This was necessary and vital at that point in my life but my body wasn’t getting much better. Many of my symptoms were still there. Though I grew and expanded tremendously in that three year period, my body stayed mostly the same.

Here’s what’s really healing me and bringing me back to life: Living. Truly living. Getting back out into the world and doing whatever I want with my time. I eat delicious food. I go for walks and take naps. I laugh. I listen to music. I dance. I connect with people. I explore nature. I make love. I travel. I write. This is what’s healing me. Living the truth I know deep in my soul is bringing a profound level of healing that I didn’t believe was possible until now.

This is what I know and have always known: Life was meant to be LIVED. We are here to enjoy ourselves, to experience the sensual nature of life as a human being. There is nothing to work for, earn, fix, save or change. We are here to experience joy and spend our days as we please. Jobs are the antithesis of this.

So now that I’m feeling better each day and have $100 in my bank account, I’m asked by family members and friends, “When are you going to go back to work?”

The answer is, I can’t. Because I know with 100% conviction that if I force myself back into that life, my health will deteriorate again. All the progress I’ve made will be reversed. Because now, I know better. I can’t ignore that voice anymore because that voice is so much a part of who I am. That little voice is now a deep knowingness that I don’t need a job to survive. In fact, I will thrive without one. It’s beyond just getting a job that I “enjoy” doing. I can’t make myself do any job. I know there is another way. My mind doesn’t understand this, but my heart does.

I tell everyone this and they still ask, “But how are you going to survive?” I tell them I don’t know, and I really don’t. But I do know this: I haven’t worked in four years and I am still alive. I still have food to eat everyday. I still have a warm, cozy bed and I still have clothes to wear. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. All of this entered my life because of my willingness to let myself receive it AND by loving myself enough to know that I am WORTHY of receiving it.

Please know that I’m no victim here. At a soul level. I allowed myself to experience all of these things – putting away my intuition, choosing my career, getting sick, all of it. I chose it for many reasons. Mostly for the experience but also to get this place right here – where I can tell you my story so maybe it doesn’t have to be so hard for you. Maybe you can begin to start listening to yourself sooner before your body forces you to listen. You all know exactly what I know. The magic is real. It becomes real as soon as you believe it is.

So no, I will not be going back to work. Because I want to live. My life depends on it.

 

 

For more stories and videos, join me on Patreon:
Support me on Patreon!

 

Want to learn more about freedom? Subscribe here to get my latest posts:



Comments 7

  1. Good for you Lindsay. I understand what you’ve gone through. I too was on anti-depressants for a time. I did it at the time to numb myself because I didn’t know how to deal with my empathic, intuitive, psychic abilities. When I was younger I did that by smoking pot. Anything to numb myself and not feel. I was never taught that feelings were okay. I was told I was “too sensitive”. I work at a part time job now, as working full time is too much for me, with all the energy I pick up from people and surroundings. Its not understood, but I don’t care. I’m with you, my heart and soul understands this. I’ve done other things in my life that weren’t understood, but when my heart told me what was right for me, the urgings were too strong to ignore.

  2. Thanks for sharing this. I often feel alone in this experience so it’s nice to hear I’m not. Most people don’t understand that when you feel something is not right for you so deeply, you just can’t make yourself do it. That’s the beauty (and the challenge) of being so in touch with your feelings. So amazing to hear you are following your heart and doing what’s right for you even though others may not understand.

  3. I’m no longer in a place that I can ignore these feelings, as you’ve talked about. I totally understand that feeling of being alone in all this. I’m grateful you write about these things so we can share.

  4. Hi, it’s Sophie from the T2 FB group. I found your blog through your facebook profile. What a fascinating story. I also want to live… but I don’t really know how I can do that.

    I am currently studying at university, and have about 2 years left till I graduate. Ever since I began my psychology studies, I have heard that little voice inside me tell me that my dream is not to become a psychologist. I have almost not read anything through the years, and mostly just attended the lectures, but still passed all my exams except for the last one. I have felt a bit like a fraud.. but I just haven’t been able to find any motivation to read.. When people hear that I study psychology they always tell me that it is very interesting, but for me it have mostly been a disappointment. But I can’t say that, except for my twin sister. My happiest time, and a time I really felt like I was living, was four years ago, when I was studying abroad in Japan for 5 months. It was a dream come true for me to go to Japan, and I made so many friends and had many adventures. I was so happy, and felt loved for who I was. When I came back I felt so blessed, that I felt like I had to give back to the world, and I chose to quit my Japanese studies and study nursing, which was not a good fit at all. I didn’t like the system, and the little voice told me that my body was not strong enough to handle the job, so after a lot of personality tests and soul searching, I thought psychology would be better (even though I was sure that I would NEVER study psychology back in high school, with all the heavy theory reading). Somehow I convinced myself that I was an INFJ in Myers Briggs personality test, and the ideal job was psychologist for that type according to many job advice websites. After changing major so many times already, I felt like I HAD to finish psychology this time, no more change of heart.. my future depended on it… but yesterday, when we were working in groups for a lecture, I heard one of my fellow students tell a student from a year under us, that “just wait it gets more and more fun!”, and inside I just realized that I hadn’t enjoyed myself at all the last couple of years. I wanted to cry, mostly because I felt “oh no, maybe this is not for me” and “what if people find out I haven’t studied at all, except for exams?”..

    Anyway, your story really spoke to me, after having felt so much pressure to get a career and job. I want to benefit society, but I also want to be happy and enjoy my life. I don’t understand how you get by, but I guess money/things you need just flows your way, because you have opened your heart to receive them?

    But if nobody had any job, like you, wouldn’t the world fall apart?

    Still not sure what to do about my own situation.. but thank you for sharing your inspiring story.. even though it made me fear if I might end up in a job I don’t want, and my body will take the price..

  5. Hi Sophie and welcome! Thanks for finding me here. I know exactly how you feel and where you’re coming from. It seems impossible to truly live when everything around you tells you that you have to have a job to survive.

    What I’ve chosen to do is create a business that brings income in. I don’t know what it’s actually going to look like or what it does specifically, I just made the choice from deep inside me and let it go. Now I just keep following my heart and what brings me joy, like starting this blog, giving advice, making videos etc. I’m trusting that all this will create a way for me to bring in money for myself. It’s a work in progress. I don’t have much money coming in right now but this is changing little by little.

    In doing this, I’m finding all these beliefs I have about money that really block it from coming to me like, “you have to work hard for money,” or “making too much money is bad.” Once I see those beliefs I let them go and I open up to abundance more and more. It’s a process and sometimes I feel a little crazy but in a good way. The crazy you feel when you’re breaking through old belief systems that society has had for ages.

    That little voice you hear is your soul talking to you. You don’t have to listen to it but you’re right, it’s telling you that psychology or the way psychology is currently practiced is not for you. The reason you’re not motivated to do it is because you’re really not that interested in it. There’s something else out there for you that you may not be aware of yet. But it’s real. That voice is there for a reason.

    When you talked about your trip to Japan, something struck me. I could feel the joy you had during that time but when you came back you said you felt like you had to give back to the world. Why did you feel that way? Could it be that some part of you felt a little guilty for being so happy and living your dreams? I just talked about this in my Soul Advice Column. In reality, there’s nothing we need to give back to the world. We’re just here for the experience. What you really can do that gives back to society is to be happy and fulfilled. That’s it. The world needs more people like this, not martyrs or miserable people trying to do good all the time.

    I like your question about the world falling apart if nobody had a job. I used to wonder that too. Then I realized that yes, if everyone did this the old world of jobs would fall apart. BUT we would create a new one- one where everyone expressed their authentic selves, their natural skills and talents freely and they would be supported for doing so. Sounds pretty good right?

    I can’t tell you what to do Sophie but I can tell you this – trust yourself and that voice. It will always lead you to an amazing future, way beyond what you ever could have imagined was possible for yourself. I’ve been listening to that voice for a few years now and I’m so glad I did. Thanks so much for sharing so honestly and reading my blog!

  6. Hi Lindsay! Thankyou for the warm welcome and heartfelt reply. Your words was soothing to read. I somehow felt that you had a very spiritual aware way of replying to comments in the FB group, which made me curious to check you out. I am so glad I did!

    You are exactly right about the guilt and the reasons why psychology as it is practised now, is not for me. It is so full of limited beliefs and spirituality/religion is treated like a joke or even worse, a mental illness. Also there is a lot of political manipulation sneaked into the litterature and lectures. Of course there are some good things in there too, but all of the theories create more confusion than clarity. About the guilt, it is also coming from something I read some years ago about our purpose as souls are to be “of service”, which I interpreted as working for the benefit of society.

    Yes a world like that sounds good! and much happier! You gave me a thought. Maybe if there weren’t any jobs, people would automatically do what they love, and that would bring a deep healing, so there wouldn’t be a need for services like hospital care or a police force. We would all just use or skills and talents, by doing what we love, and then share those gifts with the world.

    I will start to listen to that voice, and listen hard. I really love things related to beauty, but I really don’t know how to start a business with it, and what I would do..

    Your welcome, I am glad I found your blog! I just downloaded the book Your Souls Gift to my kindle, after reading another of your posts.

  7. Yes, I think you’re right about that world. It definitely would be so very healing.

    Don’t worry about figuring out the next step. It will come to you. Just being aware of how you really feel about your life is huge and amazing in itself. It creates the dynamics for something different to come into your life. Keep being aware of your feelings and that will lead you to the next step. It’s pretty easy as a Type 2. We’re naturally in touch with our emotions and feelings.

    I hope you enjoy the book! It was life-changing for me.

Leave a Reply