I’m sitting on my bed on the night of my birthday writing this post. I decided not to go out and celebrate. It didn’t feel right. What I really wanted was to spend my birthday with myself. A celebration of me.
I looked back at the year I was thirty four. At this time a year ago, I had no idea what was headed my way. I had no idea that my life was going to change so drastically. I never saw any of this coming.
Which brings me to what this post is really about: surrender and fear.
I felt a lot of fear this past year, mostly because of all the change I was experiencing. Anytime I step into something new or let go of something old or that I’ve outgrown, I feel fear – those voices in my head that tell me something I’m doing is dangerous.
Deciding to end my marriage brought up a ton of fear. Why should I let go of a good, comfortable relationship for the potential of something grander in the future? Fear told me it was a dumb decision. Fear told me to not risk what I already had – a good relationship was good enough.
Moving across the country to a place I had never been before with a person I had never met before brought up more fear. “What are you doing?” Fear said. “Who does this? This is crazy. Have you completely lost your mind? This will never work out. You’ll be homeless and poor in no time.”
I feel a lot of fear just publishing this post.
But what it took me years to realize was this: fear does not show up to tell me what could go wrong or that I am making a mistake, even though it tries to convince me so.
I now have a new interpretation of fear: It’s really here to tell me I’m going into the new. The unknown. A place I’ve never been before.
And that’s a good thing. That’s where all the good stuff is.
This time of year four years ago, I was at a retreat doing past-life regressions (it was a phase I went through) when one of the facilitators said something to me I absolutely loved.
“I’m a Sagittarius,” she said. “Fear is what we do best. Feel the fear and do it anyway. That’s my motto.”
“Wow,” I thought. “Yes, that is one hundred percent me! That’s what I’ve always done my whole life. That is now my new motto.”
I had to adopt that motto because anything I did that was outside my tiny zone of comfort always brought up fear. If I wanted to do anything that inspired me and got me excited I had to feel my fear and do it anyway. I had no choice.
I’m now stepping even further into the unknown and completely letting go of what the human aspect of me wants, or in other words, what my mind thinks it wants. Lauren Hutton and El Morya call it divine will. I’m simply calling it surrender.
Because it’s becoming too difficult to try to control things anymore. I cannot force what I want from a human level to happen. It’s just not working.
The human part of me thinks it wants certain things like a teaching career, a relationship, or a life where I travel a lot. But I cannot try to make those things happen anymore. It feels like walking upstream against a fast flowing river. My soul is inviting me (by tiring me out) to let go of what I think I want.
In doing this, the things that aren’t serving me anymore are feeling just plain bad to do, like my whole being sends me a clear no signal through my emotions and physical body. This is how my soul speaks to me. I now listen.
I’ve had to draw clear boundaries in relationships. I’ve had to stop talking to people because it feels bad to do so and I simply cannot force myself anymore. I’ve had to stop trying to look for love from outside sources and give it to myself – to me, the epitome of surrender.
It’s not that these things are inherrently bad. Nothing is. They are just not right for me anymore. And so, I let them go.
Since I’m no longer trying to control and grasp for things outside of myself to make myself feel better and “safer,” like entering a new relationship to try to avoid pain and fear, I’m now feeling the pain and fear.
The pain is the letting go of what the human part of me wants, which feels like a death. The fear is from no longer having any control of the direction of my life from a human level. Surrender.
It feels like a free fall without any idea where the bottom is or how long the fall will last.
So I do what I do best- I feel the fear and do it anyway. I’m letting go of what the human part of me thinks it wants and surrendering into what is actually meant for me, a life my soul is creating for me beyond the mind and my human ideas of what a good life is.
Because life has always shown me that when you take big risks and really let go of what’s no longer serving you, even if fear comes to your doorstep, you will land in amazing places. Places that are even grander and more perfect for you than you could ever come up with from your human mind.
Cheers to the free fall! I’ll let you know where I land.