I dropped an old story today and chose a new one.
This was the old story: I feel very different than most people and that is bad. I should try to be like everyone else. I’m not good enough.
This is my new story: I bring something new and different to the world. That will always cause a disruption to the old. We often struggle with disruption and change until we surrender to it and allow the gifts it brings us.
Before I give you the background, let me clarify this first: I felt different than most other people not because I was special, better, or less than those around me, but because I was going through an awakening experience when most of the people in my life were not.
That was it.
Growing up, I felt different but I didn’t know what it was that made me different. Now I do know.
And now I don’t feel so different at all! There’s so many people all over the world that are waking up and going through the same thing I am. I feel a lot more normal now.
Back to the story: So I always felt different from those around me, and since I didn’t know why, I judged myself harshly.
I felt like I didn’t belong here on this planet. I didn’t have anyone in my life who saw and felt how I did, so I thought there was something wrong with me.
This story played itself out very clearly with my partner in the beginning of our relationship.
My partner and I dated in college. He seemed to really like me and always popped into my dorm room to hang out. I liked him too. We’d been dating for a short time when suddenly, he shifted.
Something happened and he no longer wanted to date. He ended the relationship, giving me no reason except, “I can’t do this right now.”
I was angry and extremely confused. Why did he switch so suddenly from hot to cold? What happened to make him end things? Where was all this coming from?
Since he was no longer talking to me, I was left to my own devices to figure out what happened. And the conclusion I came up with was this:
I’m different than everyone else in his life (his family and friends) and this is bad. I don’t even know what about me is different but, I am. I should be more like them. There’s something wrong with me. I’m doing something wrong.
See, I’m really good at reading people’s energy and what they’re feeling underneath the surface. I picked up that my now husband ended the relationship because I was different. “Of course,” I thought. “He sees it too. He got to know the real me and didn’t like what he saw. Why can’t I just be like everybody else?”
When we talked about it today, he said, yes, I was right about that. But where I had previously been twisting that experience into a shame story about how I wasn’t good enough for him, he told me something today that changed everything.
He told me I was right that he ended the relationship because I was different. But it wasn’t because me being different was a bad thing.
He was struggling with the inevitable chaos and fear that comes when you choose a new pattern in life, when you choose to let go of an old way of living.
He told me about how confusing and disorienting it was for him to still want to cling to his family’s way of doing things – as in, the “right” kind of person he was supposed to be with, and the undeniable draw he had to me.
It took him a few years to sort it out with himself but eventually he chose to be with me. He tells me often that he’s so glad he made that choice.
I was floored. So it was OK that I was different? This was a good thing?
I’d slowly been seeing this perspective over the past few years – the perspective that being different wasn’t a bad thing, but I had never seen it so clearly regarding that old story of my relationship.
That was a story that had been really stuck for a long time. I’d been subconsciously beating myself up because I was different than his family and friends.
This was especially good for me to hear because lately, I’m not hiding who I am anymore. I’m coming out and showing myself in a very open, clear way – through talking about my experiences with other people and sharing my writing with the world.
It feels so good to finally be myself and who I’ve been all along. It was so draining and depressing to hide all this.
I hid it because of that old story. I felt different and being different made people uncomfortable and sometimes afraid of you.
Now that I’m coming out as myself, it’s causing a disruption for the people around me. I’m not who they thought I was.
My perspective and way of seeing the world is disruptive. It’s different. It’s making them uncomfortable.
Some people even dislike me and wish I would go away. They don’t say this and even they themselves are mostly unconscious of these feelings but they’re present underneath the surface.
There were still a lot of parts of myself that were ashamed of being different and causing a disruption. My husband sharing his experience with me shifted my perspective on this.
Now, instead of wishing I was different and shaming myself because who I am makes some people uncomfortable, I now see this: people who are struggling with change. I was no different than they were.
Change came into my life in many ways over the years but mostly through illness. I fought it, resisted it, and felt like a complete victim until I was able to surrender to it and allow it to bring the changes that my soul wanted to make. At the time, I didn’t understand why it was happening to me.
I know how they feel.
Even knowing this, I have to remind myself that the people around me are no victims either. On the soul level, they are desiring some part of what I have to offer.
It’s no coincidence I’m in the families that I am or have certain people around me.
Whether they choose to accept what I’m offering or not doesn’t matter. Their souls are bringing them me, the disruptor, to offer a different way of seeing the world.
I don’t have to hide who I am anymore to make them feel comfortable. On a soul level, they’re ready.
So that’s my new story. Yes, I’m different and I’m embracing it.
I’m a disruptor – a big ball of love, compassion and new energy.
I remind myself that the world is indeed ready for me and that’s why I’m here.
If you’re reading this, you’re probably a disruptor too. I’m sure many of you can relate to this story.
Being a disruptor of the old is a good thing, even though it causes chaos and sometimes even pain for some.
When I see that who I am is making someone uncomfortable, I now switch it over to compassion. I now see someone who is struggling with something different.
Different is often scary until you know what it really has to offer. I know this feeling well.
Change is never easy when the human part of you is not ready for it.
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