Before I started this blog, I asked my husband to make sure I didn’t get too “crusadey,” meaning, please make sure I don’t push myself or my beliefs on anyone or fight for a cause.
Knowing what I was going to be writing about, I could feel those parts of me that have a tendency to do that – fight for truth at all costs, especially when it comes to spirituality.
So far, so good I think. I’ve been sharing my perspective and not being pushy about it, but I was still judging those crusadey parts of me as bad, as something to be avoided – parts of myself that I was ashamed of and wished had never happened.
I got a chance to take a look at those parts again last week. I was in a new Facebook group I’d joined for awakening humans.
Parts of me love joining these kinds of groups because it’s an opportunity to share my experience. I love to let others know they’re not alone in what they’re feeling or experiencing and that everything happening in their lives is exactly perfect, even though it sometimes feels the opposite of that. I love to reassure people when they’re struggling that everything is really ok.
But this group was triggering some anger deep inside me.
A woman in the group confessed that she’d been struggling lately. She’d been feeling extremely sad, anxious and scared. She reached out for help, wondering what was going on with her.
I continued reading the thread and comment after comment was people telling this woman what she was doing wrong. It infuriated me.
Some people were telling her that she wasn’t doing a good enough job at controlling her thoughts.
Others recommended that she read up on the law of attraction.
A few said that she was identifying with her emotions and that was bad because that’s your ego.
A few more said that since they were so evolved, they didn’t have those feelings anymore. (Well, they didn’t say exactly that, but it was alluded to.)
Basically, everyone was telling this woman she was doing something wrong to be feeling that way.
Immediately, I spoke up and assured her that she wasn’t doing anything wrong, that feeling uncomfortable emotions was a normal part of the awakening experience.
But I could feel myself getting crusadey. There was a lot of angst behind my words and I’m sure people could feel it.
I shared my own experience with how difficult awakening was for me because of the belief in spiritual circles that everything is supposed to be “love and light” all the time. I shared how hard it was for me because I was feeling so many “negative” emotions and I thought I wasn’t supposed to be having them. I shared that what ascension meant for me was accepting all the parts of myself – the good, the bad and the scary and letting them be there.
But the energy underneath my message was: “Why can’t these people see that what they’re doing is NOT helpful!! Can’t they see that this is the exact opposite of self-realization?! How can they sit there and claim that they are evolving when they are ignoring and denying the dark parts of themselves?!?!”
I didn’t need my husband to tell me that I was now in full-on crusade mode. I was full of anger and pushing my perspective on people who were only trying to be helpful to someone.
I realized it was time to take my own advice that I’d been giving to so many lately. I closed the computer, let that anger be there and breathed.
Instead of judging the crusadey part, I decided to look at it.
What I saw was a heartfelt passion to share the truth about awakening and enlightenment. It wasn’t coming from a bad place at all.
This part of me truly wanted to be helpful and show everyone that they too can realize who they really are. I wanted to spare others the suffering I had experienced in my own awakening.
The part that was making me angry was the part that wasn’t allowing everyone else to be where they were at. It was the judgmental part.
I wasn’t allowing the others who were still in the early stages of awakening to be there, to be insisting that everything should be love and light all the time.
I realized in that moment that it’s a valid and real part of awakening for so many.
At the same time, it’s sometimes hard for me to relate to people in that stage because I never really went through it myself. It seemed like I went from realizing on a human level that I was going through awakening almost immediately into the dragons at the door to enlightenment. There was very little love and light for me.
In those moments after I left the Facebook group, I saw that what was triggered was my own judgment of myself. I was judging the person I was in the years after awakening that believed she shouldn’t be feeling the way she was. Back then, I was judging my own darkness.
I wasn’t trying to stay in love and light but I thought that’s what I was supposed to be doing to be spiritual. I took on the beliefs of the world around me that said difficult emotions were bad and we’re not supposed to have them. I drove myself crazy wondering what I was doing wrong to be feeling so bad all the time.
When that woman put that question out on Facebook, I saw myself in her. Her words were a direct reflection of myself four years ago – lost, sad, hopeless, confused and most of all, scared. And on top of all of that, judging myself harshly for feeling that way.
I had just had my own spiritual awakening and had thrown myself into anything and everything spiritual. And it was mostly New Age stuff about how your thoughts create your reality.
Well clearly I must be doing a terrible job, I thought. What a terrible creator I am. I’m sick, sad, scared and hating my life.
This is what all the New Age material told me about myself- if you’re feeling bad, sick or scared, it’s your own fault. You created that. You should be doing better.
It was an ugly time.
This anger and judgment I felt in the Facebook group was really about me. I wasn’t angry at the love and light people, I was mad at myself for doing what this woman was doing – for believing sources outside of myself that told me my darkness was wrong.
And isn’t that how it always is…the things we judge most in other people are the parts we judge most in ourselves.
I’m in the process of forgiving myself from four years ago. She didn’t know any better. She was doing the best she could. And she did a great job, considering the intensity of the challenge she created for herself at the soul level.
Because now I know this – once you get deep into awakening, all that New Age stuff becomes counterproductive.
Once you’re really into awakening, you’re not creating anymore from a limited human level. You’ve chosen freedom and so, that’s what you get.
You’re allowing your soul to take over and clear out anything and everything that’s in the way of that freedom. So for a while it’s messy. Things may fall apart. You may lose your job, your money, a relationship, your house, even your health.
AND you become aware of and feel all the parts of you that are preventing you from realizing your freedom. You feel all their pain, their fear and their stories.
The human part of you looks at this and goes, Crap, what am I doing wrong? Clearly I’m a terrible creator and I’m terrible at being spiritual.
No, you’re not at all.
You’re allowing your soul to be the creator, to come in and clear out all the stuff that you thought you wanted from your limited mental perspective and bring in a brand new future that is beyond your wildest dreams.
Your mind cannot even conceive of where your soul is taking you and sometimes to do that, you need the old limited ways of creating to fall apart.
It’s natural during awakening.
I didn’t know any of this back then and so most of the time, I thought I was doing everything wrong.
The woman I wrote to thanked me later for the help. She said it was so good to hear someone tell her that she wasn’t doing anything wrong. That was my only goal in connecting with her.
But now I’ve felt the need to withdraw a little from Facebook. I still have the desire to share my experiences with others but I’m not sure I want to do it that way anymore. Maybe the Facebook groups aren’t the right place for me.
Maybe instead of finding others who may benefit from my experience, I let them find me. Time to work on my Google analytics perhaps?
Either way, instead of judging the crusadey parts of me, I’m letting them be there. I’m seeing now that they can actually be useful in the right time and place.
If someone is genuinely asking for my help and advice, these parts can come out and show their passion for the awakening and realization experience. It’s a good thing. I know I love to listen to someone who is passionate about what they’re talking about.
But I also need to continue to let everyone be where they’re at. Not everyone is really desiring freedom and realization, even though they say they are. Many out there just want to be spiritual and improve their lives.
And not everybody knows what realization is really like, nor do they want to. It’s an incredibly challenging experience and it’s definitely not for the faint of heart.
And this is fine. This is where they’re at. There’s nothing wrong with it. I can let them be love and light all the time and be in acceptance and compassion for their experience. It’s a grand experience in and of itself, trying to always stay in the light.
I’ll just be the person standing on the sidelines reassuring you when you’re ready to go beyond all that into true freedom.
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